u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
