I just threw up on my dentist
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
