In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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