Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
