I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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