please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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