Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
