I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
well you can't waste a boner
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
