I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
