Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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