You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
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you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
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HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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