you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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