Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
