friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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