I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
