the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
