I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You're breaking my sexual little heart
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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