Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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