did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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