my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
