His hands were made for my vagina.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
