Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
