I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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