can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
