it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I want a musical about memes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
