she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
