i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
