I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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