i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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