Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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