I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
