I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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