Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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