I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
