I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
