Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize