wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
zippers are such a cool invention
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
