she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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