I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize