I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
