Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
