A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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