I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
