It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
