She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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