I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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