I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
