Welp...herpes.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
