The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
