Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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