The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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