Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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