Pappa wants mamma naked
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
