Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So. Much. Porn.
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