You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
