The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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